WTG Devin

About a year ago I decided to stop being a worthless, non-contributing zero and actually do something with my life, so I went back to school. The last time I went to college I got a degree in Environmental Studies and Anthropology, which comes in handy every time someone asks me to be a pretentious d-bag, so this time I’m getting a degree in science.

The fun thing about studying science and math is that every teacher is completely batshit insane. And not in the same way as humanities professors, who at their craziest hit on their students and say things like, “Bush is a dick and the Iraq war is a quagmire,” while drinking something complicated from Starbucks. I’m talking about the insanity that comes from being exposed to too much radiation and absorbing toxic chemicals. The kind of insanity you get from studying eight hours a day for ten years to get your PhD, and then pretending for the rest of your life that calculus makes sense and is useful. Here are some awesome things I’ve heard professors say in the last year:

– Oh, that’s a hard problem. Better have a little more rum and root beer before tackling that (drinks from cup).

– The other day my daughter comes up to me and tells me her math teacher made her cry in class, so I said, ‘Good to hear he’s doing his job.’

– So I stuck my hand in the powder and my skin started to crackle. I wasn’t sure if it was basic, though, so I stuck my other hand in, and when that started to crackle, I was like oh yeah, that’s basic.

– Hey, I’m a chemist. What is that, pH 4? I’ll drink that (stomach acid has a pH of 2-3).

– We once got a whole kilogram of sodium from the lab (sodium explodes violently when it touches water). I threw it off a cliff into the ocean at night. There were multiple fireballs. One of the coolest things I’ve ever done.

– Who wants to go to Mars? No one? Why not? Sure, you might die, but I’d rather die in space. What’s your other option? Dying on the streets of Sacramento? No thanks.

– The secret of life are the choices you make every day. Study hard, be ambitious, you might go somewhere. Slack off, end up like me – teaching at a community college and drinking too much.

– I used to go to this summer camp when I was a kid where if it was your birthday you had to crawl between the other kid’s legs while they paddled you. So when it was my birthday, I was like, the heck with that, so I wore all the underwear I had. I was walking around like that all day. It was really uncomfortable. I was like, come on guys, when are you going to smack me in the butt?

– I have five kids – three sons and two daughters. The second son, he’s no good. I mean a real loser. He’ll probably get his first job when he’s 45. I don’t know what happened to that one. And my first daughter – she’s 12 – is a brat. You know what the difference between a brat and a bitch is? A couple of years.

Russians, sodium and water don’t mix.

Also, this isn’t something that a professor said, but it is still awesome:

Professor (doing a lab demonstration) – So if you don’t do it like this, you’ll make lots of mistakes.
Girl student – Isn’t experience the name we give to our mistakes?
Guy student – So experience is the name of your first kid?

ICE BURN.